Entry No. 8 4/26/21 #afraid

For my art piece this week, I decided to focus on some of the scarier aspects of being a teacher. In my piece, I added some bugs to the little garden I had created last time. Bugs kind of freak me out, even though I know they are highly valuable to all ecosystems. Bees and butterflies act as pollinators so plants can grow far and wide. Without them, our plants and food would not be nearly as abundant as they are. They also aerate the soil so that the soil and plant roots receive the oxygen that they need. Bugs also act as decomposers, making the nutrient rich topsoil that plants need to survive. Even though bugs do all of these things, and I know how valuable they are, I am still afraid of them. It creeps me out the way they move and fly and how many legs and eyes they have.

I think teaching can be like this in some ways. There are going to be days where I am scared, and days where I do not think I am enough or the right person. I know this, because on my very first day of teaching at Basalt Middle School last year, I was overcome with imposter syndrome while I waited for my very first class ever to start. Then, I even had a partner teacher to show me the way. As the first class came in, I was so nervous to see the faces of the students I was in charge of teaching. I did not think I was qualified. As the first day went on, and the days after that, I settled down and realized I could be a teacher and I could connect with my students. However, that imposter syndrome cropped up pretty often, like when students asked me a question, I did not know the answer to, or when I had to teach my own lesson plans. I do not like the feeling of being afraid or uncertain of my abilities, but I also know that it is important, too. I always learned from my mistakes and tried to better myself for my students. I held myself to the same growth mindset that we expected the students to have.

I still carry that imposter syndrome with me. I was very nervous to start this education course. It is the first one I have ever taken, and I was scared I would not be able to keep up. I also get nervous to speak in front of people. I have always been afraid of public speaking, and I have to work up the nerve to speak. Maybe this seems ironic for a person who wants to be a teacher and speak in front of classrooms of students, but I still love doing it. Once I get talking, my nerves settle down, but initially I am always a little apprehensive about talking in front of others. I think I have overcome a lot of this anxiety in the past couple years because I constantly speak in front of others, for both school and my job. Even though I am a dog trainer, I still have to speak loudly and clearly, but I also have to be succinct with what I say so my clients understand what I am asking them to do. For our peer teaching project, I was extremely nervous, but I know how to speak loudly and clearly so that I come across as confident, instead. All of these situations scare me. I still get nervous to teach my lessons at work, and I still get nervous to speak in front of the class. But I am challenging myself to stretch and grow so that I can be the best educator that I can. I hope that I will always challenge myself in this way, so that I can always grow for my students.

One of the readings that has stuck with me was that of Sydney Walker. In chapter two of her book, Teaching Meaning in Artmaking, she talks about Andy Goldsworthy, and his process of artmaking. Goldsworthy is an artist I have looked up to for years now, and so I was so interested to learn more about him and his process. He talked about how when he goes into a new environment to make his artwork, he has to experience the environment first. He does not go in with a plan, because then the artwork is not fluid or responding to the environment actually around him.

As a teacher, I will have lesson plans to follow, but I need to be fluid so that I am responding to my environment, rather than pushing through with an element that is not working for my students. Some of my scariest days teaching were when my lesson plans did not work, and I needed to adapt accordingly. But these are the days of my strongest growth, too. This is how I hope to be when I am a teacher. I will have scary days for sure, especially those first few days on my own. I will think I am not enough and that someone else would be a better teacher for my students than I am. These are just my insecurities talking, and they make me reach to be better always. I want to always have a little bit of the nervousness that I carry now, because it means I care, and I want the best for my students. Like Andy Goldsworthy, I want to respond to my environment, because that is where the best creativity happens. Even though I am scared of failure, like I am scared of the insects in the garden, those are the qualities that make for the most beautiful growth in the students and in the garden.